Submission Takes More Than Obedience
When people hear submissive training I think a lot of them immediately think being given orders, being punished when they do something wrong, or having a Domme control them. And yes those things can be part of somebody’s fantasy, but to me training a submissive is much more than telling somebody what to do.
For me submissive training means somebody who is willing to do what I ask, somebody respectful and somebody who can communicate with me. I have had people say they want to be trained but then they try to top from the bottom, or what they really want is to hang out with me all day for free. That is not submissive training.
A lot of the people who come to me are looking for guidance in their life. They are looking for structure, routine, accountability and somebody who is going to hold them to what they said they were going to do.
What Is Submissive Training?
Submissive training in BDSM can involve rules, routines, assignments, expectations, correction and learning how your Mistress expects you to behave. But each Dominant is different and I can only speak for how I work and what I expect.
When I am training somebody I am paying attention to what they need to work on. One person might need structure, another needs accountability, another person needs to learn how to communicate properly.
Sometimes they simply need to learn that when I give an instruction I expect them to actually follow through.
Training is also not just what happens when you are standing in front of me during a session. What you do outside of the session can tell me a lot more. Are you doing what you agreed to do when I am not standing there watching you? This all matters.
What Is a Submissive Actually Learning?
A submissive is learning my expectations but they are also learning how to listen, follow direction and be accountable. If I ask you to do something and you agree to do it, then I expect you to do it.
This sounds simple but you’d be surprised.
There is also a difference between wanting to please me and actually paying attention to what I want. Some people have this idea in their head of what being submissive should look like and then they try to give me that, whether I asked for it or not.
That is not listening. Sometimes that is topping from the bottom with a submissive label attached to it.
What Makes a Good Submissive?
For me a good submissive is not somebody who just says “Yes Mistress” all day long. I look at what you actually do.
A submissive who takes their submission seriously books in advance. Sends the deposit. Responds in a timely fashion to emails if I have questions, shows up on time, follows protocol and sends follow up when I request it.
Those things might not sound as exciting as somebody’s fantasy about being trained by a Dominatrix but that is exactly the point. Anybody can act submissive for an hour, consistency tells me much more.
Communication
Good communication is important in every aspect of life and submission is no different. I need somebody who can answer my questions, tell me their limits and communicate when something needs to be communicated.
But communication does not mean endless texts, emails and phone calls.
This is probably one of the biggest mistakes I see with new submissives. They think because they want submissive training that I am now going to be available to them 24/7. NO.
Part of respecting me is respecting my time.
Respect
Respect also comes down to how you speak to me and how you carry yourself around me. I have had somebody walk in and say “hey bro.” No.
If I ask you a question I do not expect “yeah.” There is a difference between yes and Yes Mistress, and sometimes people really do need to be taught basic protocol and respect.
Compliments are appreciated but crude comments are NOT acceptable and you will be warned and any next offense, you will be fired.
That does not mean every Domme expects the same language or formality that I do. These are MY expectations when somebody is serving me.
Accountability
Accountability is a huge part of training for me. If I ask you to do something, you agree to it and then you don’t do it, I am going to question how seriously you actually want to serve.
Anybody can follow directions when they feel like it. What I want to see is whether you follow through when nobody is standing over you making you do it.
If there is a legitimate reason something cannot be done then communicate that. Life happens. But disappearing and then coming back with excuses is something different.
Rules, Homework and Routine
I use assignments because sometimes people need structure and accountability in their life. I am very into fitness and good health and I have encouraged submissives to walk every day and send me proof that they did it.
For me taking care of yourself mentally and physically matters. If you don’t care for yourself then how are you going to have the energy or ability to do the things I may need from you?
If somebody comes to me and says they are struggling with weight loss and they want my help, we can come up with a plan together. Then I will hold them accountable to the plan they asked me to help them with. I’ve had 5 people lose over 50 lbs and have chosen to get healthy so they will have the ability to be able to session.
If they don’t meet the goals they set, maybe when they come for their session they sit and write sentences. Again this is something we discussed and something they asked me to help them accomplish, I am not randomly deciding how somebody’s body should look.
Correction Is Not Giving You the Punishment You Want
This is something I think is very important. If somebody does not follow direction I am not necessarily going to punish them in the way they would like to be punished.
Because then what did you learn?
You might pay for your session and instead of getting the session you imagined, you might sit there and talk with me about what happened. What are you going to do to correct your actions, what are you going to do differently and how are you going to improve your behavior.
Or you may sit there and write sentences.
If the “punishment” is exactly what you wanted me to do to you anyway, that can become a reward. Correction to me should actually mean something.
Submission Doesn't Mean Having No Boundaries
One of the things people misunderstand is this idea that a really good submissive has no boundaries. I don’t agree with that at all.
I need you to know your limits and communicate them. I cannot read your mind and I shouldn’t have to guess what you are comfortable with because you think telling me no somehow makes you less submissive.
Boundaries also work both ways!
My personal life is my personal life. My work life is my work life. When I set that boundary, don’t cross it.
Wanting to serve me does not suddenly give somebody access to every part of my life.
The Submissive Has Responsibilities Too
A submissive should never expect the Dominant to provide everything. I expect my submissives to bring consistency, Respect, follow through and accountability.
Initiative is definitely a bonus too.
I am putting my time and energy into the dynamic and you need to bring something to it too. If I constantly have to chase you, remind you, ask you again and again to do something you already agreed to do, then what exactly are you bringing to the dynamic?
Submission does not remove personal responsibility. To me it actually requires quite a bit of it.
Going Above and Beyond
There is also a difference between somebody who simply comes to me for a session and submits during that session, and somebody who genuinely wants to go above and beyond in serving me.
That can be something very simple. Grocery shopping, bringing me a case of water, taking out the trash or doing something that genuinely benefits me without immediately asking what they are getting in return.
I have a submissive who, everytime he is going to Costco, he asks what I may need from there. He purchases and delivers the items. Keep in mind, I do not abuse this privilege. I might send him a list and tell me to purchase whatever is in his budget. He still has his mortgage and car payment to pay, after all.
These types of things mean something to me because you’re PROVING your attention and service.
A submissive should not assume that doing those things buys access to me either. Service is service. It is not a trade where you bring me something and now I owe you personal attention.
Fantasy vs the Reality of Submissive Training
I think people can romanticize submissive training because the fantasy is exciting. Constant orders, punishment, attention from your Mistress, somebody controlling you all the time.
The reality can be a lot less glamorous.
Read the email. Answer the question I asked. Send your deposit. Show up on time. Remember what I told you. Complete your assignment. Follow protocol.
That is submission too.
Some people love the idea of structure until they actually have to follow structure. They want accountability until somebody holds them accountable, then suddenly it isn’t as exciting as the fantasy was. It’s the same as when you take a day off from walking, just because it is raining.
That is no excuse!
Submissives Are Not Weak People
I think one of the biggest things people misunderstand about submissives is they think these people are doormats. That is the farthest thing from the truth.
People also think submissive people are weak and again, farthest thing from the truth. Many are owners of companies and businesses or CEO’s. They may spend all day being the person who has to make decisions, manage people and be in control, then use this time to let go and give the control to somebody else.
That doesn’t make them weak. They are choosing who they give that control to and when.
Training Is Not Unlimited Access to Me
This one needs to be very clear because I see it way too much.
The difference between being trained by a Domme and simply wanting personal attention or access to the Domme is very clear to me. This is my job, you would not ask your doctor or your dentist to just hang out with you.
Please do not ask me to hang out with you.
Being trained by me does not mean endless texts throughout the day. It does not mean endless phone calls, emails or access to my personal life. There are boundaries and I expect them to be respected.
If you cannot respect a very simple boundary about my time, how are you going to convince me you are ready to follow more complicated instructions?
What Makes a Bad Submissive?
Entitlement is a big one. Poor communication, refusing accountability, not following through and constantly pushing boundaries are all things that tell me somebody has work to do.
And again, somebody saying they have no limits does not impress me. I would much rather have somebody who understands themselves and communicates honestly than somebody telling me they will do “anything” because they think that is what I want to hear.
I also pay attention when somebody says they want training but then wants to control exactly how I train them. There is communication and negotiation, which absolutely needs to happen, and then there is trying to top from the bottom.
They are not the same thing.
Exploring Submissive Training With a Professional Dominatrix
Somebody can know they are interested in submission but really have no idea what kind of submission works for them.
Maybe you want structure, maybe accountability, maybe service or simply the experience of letting somebody else take control for a period of time. That is something that can be discussed.
If you are interested in submissive training with me I am going to have questions. I want to know what you are looking for, what your boundaries are and what you think training means because sometimes what somebody is asking me for is not actually training at all.
And remember, each Mistress is different. What works for me might not work for another Domme and something you are offering that doesn’t work for me might work perfectly for somebody else.
Good Submission Is Something You Show Me
I don’t care how many times somebody tells me they are a good submissive. Show me. Book in advance. Follow directions. Communicate. Be respectful. Show up on time. Do what you agreed to do and if you make a mistake take accountability for it.
A good submissive is not a doormat and they are not somebody without boundaries. They are somebody making an intentional choice to give control to another person within the dynamic they agreed to.
And if you want me to train you, understand I am not looking for perfection. I am looking for somebody willing to listen, learn, follow through and actually take their submission seriously.
